Happy birthday to ya....( Stevie Wonder )

Gadzooks....! Who would have thought it ? Keef is
65 today. A man ravaged by a life of drink and serious
drugs can now pick up his bus pass. Its about time he took
up golf. It doesnt bear thinking about what you can find in his
golf bag. Im sure he is sitting on a balcony somewhere in
the sunshine , sipping herbal tea, and fretting over what he should
wear to the local shops.
I love watching him in the video for the track " Waiting on a
friend ". Just the way he walks amuses me.And the first few riffs
of the " Midnight Rambler " still makes me want to jump round the
room.
Get 'em in Keef son....and dont hang up your guitar just yet.

How you gonna come (The Clash )

Just had to interject there son , before I bore you all
with details of the last walking season. Was so excited to
see someone vent their anger on the outgoing president.
The image of Bush ducking flying boots was too good not to
comment on. Heres some shoes....now...feck off. As we all
sit down to our sparse credit crunchie meals, and sell our
family treasures we should all reflect on the punishing cost
of having a total plonker in charge of things just across the
water.
The suffering that man has caused puts him right up there
with some of the most distasteful despots. What possessed Blair
to chummie up to him ? I know when I chummie up to a new pal , he
must at least know the capital of Paris. It really is shocking
what has happened over the eight years of Bushes reign. What on earth
are we to do ? Pass the celery....thanks.

End of year poem........

Ive walked for miles and for what ?
Is there a destination or not ?
What am I doing it for - am I losing the plot ?

Ive humoured morons and calmed toffs
My diminishing ambition chewed by moths
Is there someone up there that scoffs

Ive walked so far- I should be somewhere by now
Are there pictures of Paris in Krackow ?
What do I feel like now...a feckin row !

Clever Bastards ( Ian Dury )

Im reading my favourite clever bastard at the moment
---Stephen Fry . He wrote a book called " Hippopotamus ."
I like hippoes. And I thought thats handy. They apparently
attack and injure more humans than any other wild animal
in Africa. Thats not why I like them obviously. They are
just cuddly and good swimmers. I thought it might be
interesting to read about them . You never know the Maestro
might want me to go caddie for him in Africa some time...a
ball may land by a large pond...and I might find myself face
to face with one of these creatures. Its good to know what
to do...should you leg it , just try to stare them out ,
tickle them under the chin, or nut them ? I thinks its
important to be equipped with this kind of knowledge.
Im up to page 183 already and the plot is based in Norfolk.
No sign of a hippo No sign of any safari adventure. As free of wild
animals as Hyde Park. I feel strangely cheated.
It just goes to show.....You cant tell a book by looking at its
cover....and one shouldnt be fooled by titles.
An important lesson to us all I think.
Stay cool wont you

Tweet Tweet 2

" When the ball shoots off at right angles ..
Do I curse my caddy dumb
NO...I lift up my finger and I say
Tweet Tweet , Shush shush , Now now, Come come..."
So I implore you Binky , Bunty, Squidgy, and Jeremy
Leave it out ! Fucking turn it in. Thanks.

-----------------
Enough of that for now. I am going to now unashamedly
advertise my collection of music and comedy on my corner of
Youtube
www.youtube.com/lehipster
Enjoy there is some classic stuff there and soon I shall be
broadcasting some of my own stuff....cant wait eh ? well you will
have to......
Stay cool wont you ?

Tweet Tweet ( Fred Hall and his sugar Babes )

Having spent 8 years or so with the legend that is
Chilli , I like to think I am unshockable when it comes to the
English language . his mouth is like an untreated sewer.
However I dont work for him , I work for Toffs- some of
them educated to reasonable level- oh yes rather. When my
top man , we shall call him Maestro for legal reasons - you
remember the shot inventor and raconteur- starts swearing
female dog walkers who happen to be out on the course faint
and local tree surgeons cover their sensitive ears . He certainly
didnt learn that kind of vocabulary at Eton. If only the Dale
crowd could learn this song the general public and sensitive
caddies such as myself would feel protected. Please learn this
educational and soothing ditty.......
" Some people make a fuss
When a thing goes wrong
Some start to sware and cuss
Others sing a song
I dont do either
Thats all napoo
When a thing goes wrong for me
This is what I do
I lift up my finger and I say
Tweet Tweet, Shush Shush, Now Now ,Come Come......

Charade ( Alfred Hitchcock )

Thank God its all over ! Even though none of the in-laws
invaded my space at " Hippie Heights " this year ( Ive
grumped them all off ) the ghosts of Xmases past always
appear. Horrible spectres of compulsory games of charades
where the morons you are miming to have only read one book
(the Highway code ) and only seen and understood one film
(The Wizard of Oz ) .
Still quite flumaxed and scarred by the memory of Auntie
Blodwyn having a heart attack during her mime . The wag who
shouted out " Tommy Cooper ! " - just like that or was it like that
was cruel. And poor Uncle Janto having a diabetic fit on his turn and
somebody shouting " Joe Cocker ! " prompts a lot of help from friends.
But its back to my time now- I dont feel like I have to be jolly. I
have no caddie work so I can concentrate on my writing ideas- no more
miming for other people . Blissfully locked away with my thoughts in my
study on the top floor .
Be lucky , wont you ?

Goodbye Goodbye ( Peter Cook and Dud )

What a lousy year 2007 was ! 7 is no longer my lucky number.
Not only did it piss down for most of the year , but there was
notable casualties. Clearly as one gets older the casualties seem
to get closer and more poignant. Alan Coren died ! One of the funniest
comedy writers ever...up there with P.G.Wodehouse, S.J.Perelman,
and Benchley. I cant tell you how much laughing pleasure the man gave
me . Norman Mahler died ! One of the most moving things I have listened
to was a story told by Mahler about being at a Esquire magazine party with
Ali. Kurt Vonnegut died ! An amazingly innovative writer. The most pissed
President died......good old Boris. And the lovely jolly man that was George
Melly passed away. Very sad.
Not one of them was a golfer as far as I know....but no matter.
However Lord Deedes tried to be a golfer...and failed but he always enjoyed
the walk. On every occasion I caddied for him he would insist that I said
"Hello" to the magpies and of course I did ..rather self-consciously it has
to be said. But I obeyed his Lordship. He was a great man and it was an honour to
caddy for him.....not because he was a Lord.....but because he was a great human
being. He will be sorely missed.

These boots were made for walking ( Nancy Sinatra )

A wonderful caddie song . And indeed an astute piece of advice for
everybody. With this mind I was determined to have a more active
and positive Xmas ...no more loafing around trying to find coconut
roses to stuff glutinously into my gob. Should I contemplate the possibilities
of the future ? I watched a number of repeats of that wonderful show for
people with senile dementia ..." Where do you think you are ?" ..but it
was too depressing . I decided to read a number of biographies and
autobiographies of gangsters past and present. I read Johnny Bindons
biography which was fascinating because of his respect for the royal
family. Then I read a book called " Bonded by Blood " which was all about
the Essex range rover killings which left a lot of questions unanswered. I then
read " Stop the ride I want to get off " by Dave Courtney which was brutal
and funny at the same time....almost cartoonerish. I was just contemplating
the meaning of the last book on my morning walk down the prom when I
was overcome by a sense of relief that I had never taken up the offers to
join the criminal fraternity. I basked in the smug realisation that I had
avoided that risky life option.
On my way home I decided to pop into my local watering hole to
warm up with some coffee and do the guardian crossword. A new barmaid
welcomed me but insisted I pay for my coffee ( new management not yet
trained !) . I was just pondering three down when a number of swarthy looking
types muscled into the bar. All dressed in black , dark glasses with plenty of
attitude. My concentration was affected ....the snippets of conversation I
heard indicated that they were East enders from Plumstead ( nice part
of town ) and that they were in Brighton for a funeral. They were having a
small wake in the Cannon. My local. Thats handy I thought perhaps I can
purloin some sausage rolls from the buffet. Happy days. Then a very nasty
looking sort walked in and lo and behold it was Dave Courtney himself ! I was
shocked that he was there having just read his autobiography the day before.
The staff at the Cannon said I shouldnt bother him . Yeh right.
I introduced myself and we had a nice little chat as it happens.....today
I am reading Helena Christiansens autobiography .....you never know....
history might repeat itself.
Stay cool wont you