Up against the wall Redneck Mother ( JJ Walker )

M is for the mudflaps she bought me for my
pick up truck.....O is for the oil I put on my hair.
Yes quite
Plainly it is true that one gets more like ones parents
as one gets older. But there are features you try to fight.
And one feature of my sadly absent folks is a imposition
that I will fight with venom. The tendency to understand
and start to be a fan of country music.
One day I was making my rounds in my company car,
and I thought I would drop in to see the folks....well they
did feed me for a number of years....it only seemed fair to
drop in and say how-do. Imagine my astonishment when
my father answered the front door dressed as Roy Rodgers,
and his subsequent greeting of YIHHHHAAAAAA ! altered
the shape of my barnet.
" What the feck you doing Dad ...." I enquired " Does
Mum know about this ...? "
" Your Mother got me into it .....she loves the whole
country and western , son...." he answered
" Yeh but Dad .....other people dont know do they..? "
I quivered.
My father dressed up like a cowboy at his age. Did he
want me to die of embarassment ? I had to sit down , and have
a beer just to settle me nerves. What was I to tell people ? My
grandfather had volunteered for the Alamo ? My Aunty Dilly
was part Cherokee ? There must be a story in here somewhere.
" Wheres Mum then ....? " I needed her reassurance that the
old fellah hadnt gone barmy.
" Shes upstairs getting ready herself....were going out.! "
he answered
" Please tell me you are not going to Safeways dressed like
that....Dad....come on mate get a grip.....you might bump into
an outlaw or a horse rustler.....and the fastest draw in Walton-on-Thames
.....you are putting a large overcoat on....eh....eh ? " I insisted.
" Wait til you see your Mother ...." he threatened
" Mums dressing up as well ...! ! ! ......This is almost too much..."
I quibbled.
" Were going to a country and western convention at Wembley
conference centre for the weekend.......there is nothing to be alarmed
about...." he reassured
When Mum came down the stairs dressed as Trigger I nearly shit
meself. They cantered off together into the setting sun and no more was
said about it . Just one of the many traumas I had in growing up. Im
glad I shared it with you .
Stay cool, wont you ?
( This whole anecdote is dedicated to Jerry Jeff Walker )

NEXT ! ( The Sensational Alex Harvey Band )

I was reflecting on the idea of memory loss
today to prepare myself for Alzeihmers disease,
when I remembered the animal with the shortest
memory. Its a goldfish which has a memory of 3
seconds only and constantly says to itself " A BOWL !
Ive never swum round a bowl before ! " This is of
course one of the joys of memory loss....everything
becomes new, stays fresh and one is constantly surprised.
But up til now I have had no real signs that my memory
is flagging. And I have diaries for the last 15 years which can
pinpoint events to the nearest week at least. They are a real
pleasure and I pat myself on the shoulder for having the
determination and discipline to maintain them. I was reminding
my old Paddy mate Biffo about some of our exploits in
Copenhagen when he accused me of looking back more than I
am looking forward. He may well be right. But at what point is
one allowed the luxury of reflection , contemplation, and even
consolidation. Most of my most valued contemporaries.. Lord
Snooty and Pugwash dont have the time for such decadent
nostalgia.....they are actively involved with their rug rats . Biffo
has no children but he is still actively ducking and diving....I just
duck threatening golf balls and dive into the shack to avoid the
feckin blizzards.
It makes you think though doesnt it.....if you have the time.
Speaking of time....What do you say to a man with no arms or legs
if you want to know the time ?.......Have you got the time on ya cock ?
Stay cool, wont you ?

Did I already do my deja vu joke ? Weird......

I amuse myself these days on rare days off by
exploring the delights of Youtube.com. I may have
mentioned this before. Today I made a number of
visual discoveries. Here they are- a group of great songs.
Hard Livin by Jerry Jeff Walker ; Riddim I like by Asian
Dub Foundation ; and I heard a wonderful track on the
Phil Jupitus show by Jake Thackeray called On Again
On Again.....a very funny , beautifully written ditty on a
par with anything Noel coward ever did. Try to get hold
of it if you can and enjoy.
Alas , apparently Phil Jupitus ' show will only be on the
air for a few more days. Sad, its a brilliant show on Radio 6.
Im not quite sure why he is wrapping it up but I suspect that
he is bored after a 5 year stint and wants to move on. A big
old boy who actually should move a bit more as he needs to lose some
weight......" Too much pork life mate....need some exercise ! "
(Blur ).
This week has been one of those weeks when I also have
had thoughts of moving. The weather was so brutal on Tuesday ...
a snow blizzard.. that it was almost impossible to see, hold the bag,
and certainly very hard to enjoy the whole walking working trip.
But another day brings new optimism and Im sure I will enjoy the walk
on the morrow. At the weekend I shall not be caddying for the great
Diamond Dandy, Theodore Phunnell, wit raconteur and shot inventor
as he is off to the Big Apple to enjoy Elton Johns birthday party and
concert. I said he should send my regards and he said he will. Didnt
buy a present but what do you give a man who has everything.....
youre right.....penicillin .
Thank you playmates
Stay cool , wont you ?

Paddys day ya bollix ya ( Beckett )

I was just being a bit maudlin and lamenting
my lost yoot as it struck me like a smakeroo
blurdey from the heavenly bode that I had not
had a wild paddys day for an awful long time. I
lingered in the shitehole that is " Shatts " and lo and
behold a friendly face appeared . No less than the
Director of Golf from the London club bearing gifts
from his lock up.....darn east. The boy what done good
after his apprenticeship at the Dale ....yes Ali " Baby strap "
Robertson. Two lovely ladies were on his arms so I
thought I would listen to his extensive range of 007
impersonations. Might get a swallie out of it I thought.
Yes shamefully I imbibed on Paddys day ! After 72
dry miserable days I thought I would treat myself to a pint
of mud. Apart from the lovely ladies and Alis jolly company
Wales were beating England and I was becoming very vocal.
I even gave it a blast of " Bread of Heaven " which woke up the
deaf bloke in the corner. I left with as much dignity as one can
muster from a kneeling position.....and made my way in Army
fashion to my local bar in B-right-on. The Firm were in their
usual corner plotting the movement of commodities and insisted
that I try some. They also dispersed fairly quickly when the Welsh
song interlude kicked in again. They never want too much attention .
I ended the evening by holding firmly onto the bar , and rotating
my head very slowly from one side to another so as not to cause too
much dizziness. I ended up talking to a very nice gent about amateur
dramatics and it turns out he is a local high court judge.
Respectability restored and a reminder that I am too old to have
such wild nights.
SLAINTE

When its Spring again Ill sing again.......cool grass from Amsterdam

Well what do you know....Ive been promised two
days work in a row back at the Dale. And there was I
getting all angsted up about not being needed anymore.
Lets hope its a great season....and the great Theodore
Phunnel , wit, raconteur makes some impression in the
major competitions at the Dale. Last weekend he shot
6 over and he actually complimented me on a good
selection of clubs and good lines. Even a blind squirrel
,as they say sometimes finds a nut.
Im sure the course is in a bit of a state because of all
the rain this week..so it will be playing long. Target golf.
In many ways easier for the caddies to select the right club.
But harder in other ways as the ball doesnt take the normal
breaks on the green. It will just be great to be out there
again after about 3 weeks of no income and no activity.
It sometimes feels like its a feast or a famine. But I have
a good feeling about this season , and Im sure a lot of the
overseas members will be over in droves since the security
scares seemed to have abated . One of my favourite overseas
members is Tracy Ullmans husband who is a splendid fellow,
and normally plays at the Riviera club in Los Angeles. Not a
bad knocker either.
The first major competition of the year is the Foursomes
where lesser pros try to get their game in shape before they
get back out there on the tour. 2 years ago I got Chris Rodgers
through to the final....and he is now back playing well on the main
tour. I have not seen the list of entries for this year but its always
a buzz to see what big names want to get finely tuned at the Dale.
And the next really big one is the Battle of Stynchcombe Hill...
early May.....more of that later.
Stay cool, wont you ?
FORE !

St.DAVIDS DAY !

Through the wonderful internet, namely
" Friends Reunited " web site I have got
back in touch with a number of old school
friends. This has encouraged me to revisit
old memories of my short stay down there.
They were pretty formative years though,
aged 15-18. Covered in adolescent boils, I
really did not expect to be a success with the
ladies...well girls. But because I was a novel
out-of-towner I was a hoot to all the straw
sucking , busty country wenches...and I must
say it left its mark in so many ways. I still am
a bit of a succour for a voluptuously farm clad
gel. Large jumper and wellies for me....if thats
not too revealing.
My first love down there was Freda Smedley,
a dark , petit, delicious creature who let me carry
her satchel home and often invited me in for a cup
of tea. I think she blew me out because of my lack
of interest in tea. Then Linda Rowland, Gillian
Wlosovicz , ( good Welsh name ), Lorraine Howe,
Sian Jenkins, and the moody but magnificent
Jeanette James...the butchers daughter ...meaty
gel...prime cut. All these lovely teenage distractions
have married , produced children of their own and no
doubt have found some sort of happiness without me.
But getting in touch again reminds you of that
lovely carefree innocent time when your biggest worry
was when the next big zit would surface.
All this motivated me to revisit the beauty that is
Pembrokeshire. Unbelievable. Inspirational. Magnificent.
A place I would gladly retire to. The wild glaciated coastline
facing the atlantic and the Irish sea has to be walked. I am
still touting for volunteers to join me.
Thats what Wales means to me......my undoubted roots,
and the gentle and sexual loss of innocence. Marvellous.
Over by there !