Gimme that harp boy it aint no fat mans toy ( Captain Beefheart )

Picture the scene. Its a cold but bright Monday.
Its mid morning and there is no sign of work. The
car park at the Dale is empty. The office spies have
come back to the shack sayting there is not a name in the
book. Things look bleak . There is a game of cards going
on in the shack but no money on the table . All the money
earnt at the weekend has been drunk or gambled. There
must be some work today ! Surely.
A big cadillac draws up in the car park. There is a
huge scramble from the shack . Half the caddies try to
hide in their own lockers and the other half leg it into
the Caddiemasters office claiming that they have to go
early because their mothers are being buried today. They
had sadly forgotten. Yes Mr. Cower had arrived.
Mr. Cower is a large man who has spent most of his life
trying to perfect his golf swing. He has spent a fortune on the
best coaches, the best clubs, the best playing partners, hypnotism,
and possibly even plastic surgery. Nothing worked. He is still
a crap golfer. Perhaps nobody had the guts to tell him to lose weight
or try to get fitter. He is constantly on the verge of a super rage
bordering on a heart attack. It is impossible to caddie for him
without a severe bollocking . It is a very unpleasant experience.
He has remained top of the caddies blacklist for many years
despite stiff competition . If he were to wear a monocle he
would resemble a Nazi tank commander.
If you are in trouble with the caddiemaster you are quite likely
to be sent out with Mr. Cower. Saves the caddiemaster giving you
a bollocking .
He is all smiles on the first tee....but you know that as soon as
he addresses the ball to start the game.....there is a possible 5 hours
of torture ahead. Nobody avoids his bile. From the first tee you can
see greenkeepers climbing trees or throwing themselves into ponds.
The unlucky caddie that is assigned to him on any given day should
initially just give him plenty of space. Even giving him the driver on the
first hole of the Old course ( Par 5 ) is a risky choice ; that may be the
only right club you give him all day apart from the putter ! He views
caddies as loathsome creatures that must be rebuked at every
oppurtunity . In his eyes caddies are evil creatures that have to broken
down to be built up again by somebody else.
If you are unlucky enough to be in his company it is of no
importance if you are caddying for him or one of his guests ....you are
still going to get it in the neck. If your stomach is rumbling slightly or
you have a slight wheeze stand well away from him ...otherwise
hell have your bollocks for earings. It would not be so bad if the
rage stopped out there on the course......but he is quite likely to
kick down the door of the Caddiemasters office , continue his
complaints and then write a letter to the commitee about your
audacity and incompetence when you gave him a wrong line
on the pond hole.
Thankfully even his closest and oldest friends have tired of
his behaviour ..so he plays less and less these days. And after all
a golf club should be a relaxing environment ...it usually is....
until his next visit.....until the next shout of
Lookout lads....COWER ATTACK !