A friend in need is a friend in debt....I dont wanna be nice..( J.Cooper Clarke )

Its not only on the golf course my advice is
needed. I am a mature man with a certain reputation
with the fillies. I often find that old friends ask my
opinions on their various relationships, and I am
happy to share my knowledge with friends. I dont
have trouble with my memsahib as I dont
feel the need to go into the sound proofed attic
that much.
Alas , last week , my old friend from Copenhagen
contacted me whingeing about the fact that his wife had
left him. Now , Chunky Pimpson , and I had bonded quite
well over the years. Why I remember buying him a drink once.
I made a note of it in my accounts book . A very nice chap,
even though he was from the north. I had taught him the
rudiments of squash and he had from time to time lent me
money ( soundproofing doesnt come cheap ! ) and we got
on splendidly. So how was I to help him in his latest dilemna ?
I determined to lay out a plan to help chaps that lose their
better halves. Here is what I came up with ....I hope it will
help you all. It is a five point plan .
!. Spank the monkey until you have problems focusing .
2. Once you emerge from the masterbatory area...or
public library whatever you want to call it , go directly
to a local bar.
3. Pretend you have just landed after a long sea trip,
and drink copious amounts . Dont call the bouncer
a shirtlifter as he throws you out.
4. Go round to your ex-partners best friends house
and demand sexual gratification . Dont call her a
frigid bitch when she throws you out. You dont want
to offend anybody.
5. Make a mental note to only get involved with women in
the future that have easy friends.
Repeat this procedure every fortnight until the memory of
your lost love fades. Time is a great healer and remember there
are plenty more dogs in the paddock who smell of fish ( if Im not
getting my similes mixed up.....HA ! ).
Happy to help.....dont hesitate in asking.